watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
