I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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