I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
