Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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