Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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