someone threw a dead crab at me
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
