Got a toothbrush?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
