I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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