i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
