I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
