genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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