Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
