The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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