First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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