CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
