So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
