you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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