I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
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due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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