3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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