you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize