Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
