we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
