i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
