ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
