i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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