I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
