Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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