im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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