dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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