I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Randomize
