I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
