Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
