thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
