Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
