i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
