Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
