I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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