I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
