Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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