I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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