literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
