bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Farmville is her only friend.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
