so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
