I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
