sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
