Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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