I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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