I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ugly people sure do ruin things
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
FUCK WHALES
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