ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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