he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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