is your mom at the bar?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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