mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
