I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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