when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
