Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
