I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
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